IMAGE: SOUTH HOBART RIVULET
I’m sitting here in my spiritual home — RMIT Bldg #10 trying not to cry, biting down on my tongue. I’m currently overly sensitive to the world around me, and things that wouldn’t normally shake my foundations are getting under my skin. If my spiritual practise were a bike, then I’ve caught my foot in the chain, and I’m not sure I can right myself. I’ve forgotten how simple, mindful acts have formed the foundation of my life in recent years allowing me to steady the ship as storms approach. Sunday meditation was the highlight of my week, and even though life often got in the way and sometimes I meditated to an iTunes backing track, Sunday arvo mindfulness was what enabled me to get through the week.
A friend — the busiest person I know — made time for me on Sunday and took me out to brunch on Errol St in North Melbourne. That I have not ventured in this direction in my two plus months living in the city is in itself an anomaly. I’m always going somewhere – RMIT, the State Library of Vic, the MCB, QV, ACMI, Birrarung Marr and so on, but somehow I never seem to get where I’m going, I’ve lost sight of bigger goals, and worst of all I’m not writing — not in a meaningful way. I’m a seeker of things — ideas, feelings, experiences. Relationships are everything to me, and I care little about the material world. While love, or even a casual relationship, is not something I’m willing to force, I’m trying to be open to new experiences, to not close myself off to the possibility.
Most of my generation (XY) were raised to believe that ending up a spinster cat lady was about the worst thing that could happen to a woman, but right about now that’s sounds pretty delightful. This blog was originally about living a happy life, then a simple life, then just life. Ultimately it’s about my life. I’ve been quiet of late as I haven’t felt compelled to share, I haven’t had the words for what I need to say, which brings me to being brave. On Sunday, as we walked after brunch, my friend told me I was brave. That there’s a bravery in putting myself out there — in being open to new experiences, even if they don’t work out. In June 2017 — roughly a year since I separated from my long-term partner — I finally felt ready to put myself out there. There was someone on the edge of my life, someone wonderful, and in spite of our different values, I would have been willing to go there — even if I’m not exactly sure how.
This is why it takes bravery to put yourself out there with another human — because what you’re really saying is, ‘This is me. This is who I really am, and I want you to know me. I want you to know the real me even if maybe you won’t like her’. I wanted to connect with someone in my real world, and perhaps I could have but I overcooked it badly, and I’ll never know. I’ve long since let it go, my only regret that I ruined a friendship which meant something to me even if it was just beginning that may or may not be able to be salvaged, which brings me to vegan guitarists #1 and #2. Perhaps I do have a type after all, but I don’t think so. They both reached out to me through the flotsam of mirror selfies and tiger cuddling zombies, and stood out as actual human beings.
To paraphrase, it didn’t work out. I may have edited this post to protect my privacy.
I’m going to keep being brave!
Have you put yourself out there in some way lately? What happened?
Was it worth it?
♥Meegan
